We’re Number One! (Again)

We’re Number One! (Again)

In junior high school pep rallies were mandatory. I never minded them because they were a legitimate excuse to get out of class and hang out in the gymnasium. I never became too lathered up during these proceedings; call it lack of school spirit, absence of general enthusiasm about which grade could yell louder than the other, or uncooperative spirit fingers.

Various cheers came and went during my school years. Some were funny, “U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you’re ugly.” Others were dull such as “push ‘em back,” some were obvious, “defense,” still others made no sense, “Two bits, four bits…” you know the drill.

The only cheer that is universal to every school, cheerleading squad, and professional sports team is the ubiquitous, “We’re number one!”

Everyone does the “We’re number one,” cheer, no matter where they are ranked or listed among the competition. A team can be in the cellar, forever dwelling in last place in their division or conference, but eek out one win against a better opponent, and suddenly all of the fans and players are screaming, “We’re number one.” It’s the American way.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has once again released their annual national obesity statistics, and my home state, Mississippi, is number one, again. We’ve been number one since 2004. In the sports world that’s two more than a threepeat. We’re a dynasty!

Mississippi was followed closely by Alabama, Tennessee, and Louisiana. Could it be that our food is better? It’s no coincidence that the survey was released around the same time that Chilton County, Ala. peaches were coming in. Tennessee has great barbeque, Louisiana is the most culinarily diverse state in the nation, and Mississippi is the world capital of fried catfish.

Instead of a telephone-interview poll to decide which state is fatter, the CDC needs to rent the Georgia Dome and host an Olympic-style competition of all 50 states. We might not win the 400-meter relay every time, but we could kick butt in the shot put, dead lift, and pie-eating contest.

We’ll dust off all of the old high school cheers. When competing with Colorado— the nation’s skinniest state— we can chant from the sidelines, “Two bits, four bits, gumbo roux, you better look out or we’ll sit on you!”

We probably wouldn’t have much of a chance in the pole vault, but when it comes to skeet shooting and archery, we’ll place a few South Mississippi deer hunters on the roster and annihilate the competition.

While researching this column I came across a piece written by Los Angeles Times Health editor, Tami Dennis, with the headline: “Yeah we’re fat. But not as fat as Southerners.” In a post on her newspaper’s Health blog, Dennis states, “Poor Mississippi. I’m sure it tries. Really, I’m sure it does. But have you had Southern food?”

Yes, Tami, we have “had” Southern food. It tastes great. That’s why we’re so fat.

Various readers commented on the newspaper’s blog (http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/booster_shots/2008/07/yeah-were-fat-b.html). One reader stated: “I don’t buy the excuse about diet or weather… My family spends every summer in Italy or France eating like crazy and not working out all that much— we always come back slimmer and trimmer.” Yes, but they don’t serve jambalaya or etouffee in France or Italy, do they?

A man named Rick posted, “I now live in Ohio, but grew up in Mississippi and still go back 4-5 times every year. These ‘fat’ surveys always surprise me because I see many more grossly obese people in Ohio than in Mississippi. Many.”

Note to self: Slip a mickey to the Ohio competitors at the CDC Olympics the evening before the pie-eating contest.

The California bloggers continued to pile on in post after post. A poster named Mike stated, “Along with poor performing schools and lackluster economies Southerners are a fat bunch to boot.”

To Mike I say: U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got not alibi. We may be fat, but weight can be lost. Ugly (manners, that is) last a lifetime. And, by the way, we’re still number one!