True story: A woman once called the Butterball Hotline to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. The hotline worker asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”
The holidays offer no respite for idiots.
The following are actual questions asked of Butterball Hotline personnel:
“I lost a bet on a football game and now I have to fix Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people. How does a guy do that?”
“I know you’re all about turkeys, but can you help me make cookies?”
“How do you prepare a turkey for people who don’t eat meat?”
“The doorbell is ringing, everybody’s here, but the turkey is still frozen solid. Can I serve it anyway?”
“I buried my turkey in a snow bank and now I can’t find it. What should I do?”
“I’m calling from a cell phone and I’m walking up and down the aisles in the grocery store. I don’t know what to get for Thanksgiving dinner. Will you walk with me and tell me what to buy?”
“What are you wearing?”
I have never called the Butterball Hotline. I have no problem cooking turkeys. I cook my turkey at an extremely high heat, never stuff, and never baste and it comes out flawless every time. However, I do have a few questions I would like to ask the experts at the Butterball Hotline:
Does anyone eat mincemeat anymore?
Why in the world would anyone place a marshmallow on top of a sweet-potato casserole?
Who was braver— the first man to milk a cow or the first man to eat an egg?
Why do Yankees insist on calling dressing “stuffing”?
Can you explain the offside rule in soccer?
Is the hokey pokey truly “what it’s all about?”
Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?
Giblets… come on, what’s the real story?
How did Chuck Norris ever get into the movie business?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you know anyone that actually eats fruitcake?
Why are hot dogs sold in packages of 10 and buns only come in packages of eight?
Why does everyone fight over the white meat, when we all know dark meat tastes best?