(in one very long run-on sentence)

I was born, watched Batman, The Green Hornet, Captain Kangaroo, and The Three Stooges, listened to The Beatles and Herman’s Hermits, cooked with an Easy Bake Oven and learned how to ride a Schwinn Stingray, went to first grade, my dad died, he was 36. I was six, we moved into a new house, attended second grade at a new school and made lifelong friends, learned how to play the guitar, listened to Neil Young, went to church every Sunday, ate lunch at my grandmother’s house, played football, listened to the Rolling Stones, spent summers fishing with my grandfather on the Gulf Coast, water skied, got wild, became a radio-station disc jockey, bought my first car, listened to Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd, stepped up the wild behavior, graduated high school, went to college and went crazy, got fired from a few jobs, lost my grandfather, didn’t sleep much, totaled my first car, got kicked out of college, was evicted from a trailer park, got fired from a few more jobs, went to rehab, stopped being so wild, started smoking a lot more, moved to Omaha, assumed that I had life figured out, moved to Jackson, moved to Hattiesburg, enrolled in the University of Southern Mississippi, took 21 hours per semester, worked two jobs waiting tables, got engaged to the aforementioned young girl, stayed sober, finished school except for two courses, got married, divorced 11 months after the honeymoon, moved to Florida, grew a mustache, had a blast, went a little crazy, stayed sober, moved back to Hattiesburg and opened two restaurants and a bar, assumed that I had life figured out, met and subsequently fell in love with my wife, listened to the BoDeans, lost my grandmother, opened a bar in Jackson, went a little crazy, stayed sober, got engaged, got married to the woman I fell deeply in love with, quit smoking, got fat, got skinny, got fat again, sold my ownership in the Jackson bar, made a risky foray into the catering business and lost a lot of money, stayed sober, opened a live music club, had a blast, assumed that I had life figured out, my daughter was born, marking one of the two most monumental days in my life, closed the live music club, shaved the mustache, opened a fish house, had a blast, began writing a weekly food/humor column, additional newspapers began publishing the column, business grew, finally finished the two classes at USM and graduated one of the oldest and fattest members of the class of 2000. I walked, my son was born marking the second most monumental day, business grew, realized that being a father is the best job I will ever have, closed the catering business, almost went bankrupt twice, stayed sober, entered my fourth decade on the planet finally realizing the things that truly matter faith, family, friends, food, and fun, made a new best-friend and wrote a cookbook with him, the book sold like crazy, wrote another cookbook that sold more than anticipated, published a book of previous columns, went a little crazy again, stayed sober, flew to New York and signed a three-book deal with Hyperion, released a new self-published coffee-table cookbook with the abovementioned best friend, wrote and released a grilling cookbook, business boomed, became a soccer dad, realized that it ain’t the money, became happier than I deserve to be, learned that I still don’t have it all figured out, wondering if I ever will, currently working on getting skinny again.