(in one very long run-on sentence)

I was born, watched Batman, The Green Hornet, Captain Kangaroo, and The Three Stooges, listened to The Beatles, cooked with an Easy Bake Oven and learned how to ride a Schwinn Stingray, my dad died, he was 36— I was six, attended second grade at a new school and made lifelong friends, learned how to play the guitar, listened to Neil Young, went to church every Sunday, ate lunch at my grandmother’s house, played football, listened to the Rolling Stones, spent summers fishing with my grandfather, water skied, got wild, became a radio-station disc jockey, bought my first car, listened to Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd, stepped up the wild behavior, graduated high school, went to college and went crazy, got fired from a few jobs, lost my grandfather, didn’t sleep much, totaled my first car, got kicked out of college, got fired from a few more jobs, stopped being so wild, started smoking a lot more, assumed that I had life figured out, enrolled in the University of Southern Mississippi, took 21 hours per semester, worked two jobs waiting tables, stayed sober, finished school except for two courses, moved to Florida, grew a mustache, had a blast, went a little crazy, stayed sober, moved back to Hattiesburg and opened two restaurants and a bar, assumed that I had life figured out, met— and subsequently fell in love with— a girl, lost my grandmother, went a little crazy, stayed sober, got engaged, got married to the girl I fell deeply in love with, quit smoking, got fat, got skinny, got fat again, made a risky foray into the catering business and lost a lot of money, stayed sober, opened a live music club, had a blast, assumed that I had life figured out, my daughter was born— marking one of the two most monumental days in my life, shaved the mustache, had a blast, began writing a weekly food/humor column, additional newspapers began publishing the column, business grew, finally finished the two classes at USM and graduated one of the oldest and fattest members of the class of 2000— I walked, my son was born marking the second most monumental day, business grew, realized that being a father is the best job I will ever have, almost went bankrupt twice, stayed sober, entered my fourth decade on the planet finally realizing the things that truly matter— faith, family, friends, food, and fun, made a new best-friend and wrote a cookbook with him, the book sold like crazy, wrote another cookbook that sold more than anticipated, published a book of previous columns, flew to New York and signed a three-book deal with Hyperion, released a party cookbook, released a new self-published coffee-table cookbook with the abovementioned best friend, wrote and released a grilling cookbook, business boomed, became a soccer dad, published another non-fiction book, realized that it ain’t the money, opened a new Italian restaurant, became happier than I deserve to be, learned that I still don’t have it all figured out— wondering if I ever will, currently writing two books while my wife, kids, and I are traveling through Europe, and working on getting skinny again.