Cookie Dreams and the Snack-Caste System

Posted by Robert on May 24th, 2010


A friend of mine dreamt that she could plug an Ethernet cable into a chocolate chip cookie and hear what was going on inside of the cookie’s mind. What a great dream. I’d love to dive inside the mind of a chocolate chip cookie.

I wonder if there is a caste system among cookies? Are homemade chocolate chip cookies the snobs of the cookie world? Do they think that they’re better than store-bought Chips Ahoy? Are the home-baked cookies sold at a country store intimidated by homemade cookies made in the kitchen of a gated community?

Do cookies with white chocolate chips discriminate against the cookies with dark chocolate chips? Or have we finally gotten past that? And what about that famous Neiman Marcus cookie recipe? I’ll bet those cookies think their chips don’t stink.

I prefer oatmeal cookies. They are probably the hippies of the cookie world. Oatmeal cookies incorporate walnuts and raisins and other granola-type ingredients. They almost certainly wear clothes made from hemp, ragged sandals, and spend time at Bonnaroo and Burning Man.

Pecan Sandies are the Libertarians of the cookie kingdom. They just want to be left alone, unlike Oreos who are politically progressive and only interested in topics such as diversity, and unity— “Why can’t all cookies just get along?” they say.

Fig Newtons are the Crazy Uncle of the cookie world. They spend time on shelves trying to decide whether they are fruit, cake, or cookie. Nutter Butters are the nutty uncle and are just a little more twisted than Newtons.

A graham cracker is the boring houseguest who always lurks in the corner. Sugar cookies are hyperactive and suffer from ADD. Vanilla Wafers are the weird cousin who never leaves. Shortbread cookies are the other weird cousin who never leaves, but the one who also runs up large long distance bills from calling the Fortune Cookies who advertise on those late-night 1-900 Psychic Friends Network ads.

Energy bars walk around in tank tops and Under Armour and are obsessed with exercise and going to the gym. Lorna Doones are the eccentric Aunt of the cookie family. They play bridge, host garden club meetings, and wear their bra on the outside of their blouse when they’ve had too much sherry.

All of the Keebler cookie varieties have a Napoleonic complex and are cranky because it gets too noisy living in the bottom of a hollow tree with a egalitarian commune of annoyingly cheerful elves.

Gingerbread men handle all of the cookie kingdom’s law enforcement, while animal crackers just long to roam free. Butter pecan cookies, however, are socially aware and spend their time advocating for better living conditions for the animal crackers.

Rice Krispie Treats are the bastard child of cereal and cookie, and never seem to fit in except at school bake sales. Ginger Snaps are just annoying and Date-Nut Cookies never sit still.

Teacakes are haughty and pompous and look down on even the gated-community made chocolate chip cookies. Teacakes believe the Neiman Marcus cookies are a little too Nuevo riche for their taste.

Girl Scout Thin Mints are hard workers, and anything with frosting or sprinkles gets put into the don’t-ask, don’t-tell cookie jar. Sugar-free cookies, and their gluten-free relatives practice yoga and palates and can always be found jogging to-or-from health food stores.

In the end, cookies, like us, have to learn to live together and get along with each other on the cookie aisle. Just keep them away from milk and cereal and we’ll all have sweet dreams.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

1 /2 cup Butter
1 /2 cup Crisco
1 cup Brown sugar
1 /2 cup Sugar
2 Eggs
2 tsp Vanilla
1 1 /2 cups Flour
1 tsp Baking soda
2 tsp Cinnamon
1 /2 tsp Salt
3 cups Oats
1 cup Golden raisins

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Using an electric mixer beat the butter, shortening sugar until creamy. Add eggs one at a time. Add vanilla. Combine remaining ingredients together and add them to the creamed butter mixture until everything is mixed well. Drop by rounded spoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake for 10-12 minutes. Remove from sheets and place on a cooling rack. Yield: 18-24 cookies


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